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I just watched a program on BBC iplayer about losing ones virginity and it reminded me about how I always seem to be on a rather different wavelength to other people when this issue comes up. I suppose I should elaborate some of the things where I seem to be mismatched with popular thinking.
Pop culture says: Virginity is more important in women than in men.
I don't get this. To me if virginity is of any importance, its importance would be equal between the sexes. I can't think of any religions which explicitly state that men are allowed to have sex before marriage but women aren't. Such a position would be rather difficult to keep to without lots of homosexuality or elderly promiscuous women. So logically, men should be just as committed to not having sex outside of a delineated situation as women. The people in my life seem to share this view. I have promiscuous male and female friends just as I have both male and female friends who are/were virgins until marriage. Those people I have known well enough to discuss virginity with have tended to have similar attitudes toward it, or at least weren't divided along gender lines. I certainly don't know anyone who would demand that their partner be a virgin whilst they are not. In fact, I don't know anyone who would demand that their partner be a virgin at all, as most of my friends seem to see virginity as a personal choice. So why when virginity comes up in feminist blogs does everyone instantly go on and on about how only female virginity is valued when I don't see much double standard operating in the people around me.
Pop culture says: You're bad and weird if you don't lose your virginity by a certain age.
Now here I'll agree in a limited sense. In our culture there is a strong pressure to become sexually active in your teens or twenties, which a lot of people conform to if they don't have a good reason not to. Now, there are some people who resist this pressure for religious, feminist etc reasons and these people, whilst unusually, are not odd. Of course, someone not having had sex by the age of thirty could indicate that they wish to be sexually active ut lack the social skills to be able to persuade someone to copulate with them. Whilst there are a lot of people with poor social skills who are perfectly lovely people, it might be a bad sign. Then again there are plenty of twits in the world who manage to get their end away. More generally I just don't get this general attitude that you should be having lots of sex all the time or you're 'sad' or 'lame' or 'gay' or whatever inherently offensive term the kids are using these days. Sex is enjoyable but there are lots of good reasons someone might not be doing it. Eating sushi is fun but I don't feel the need to be concerned about someone who hasn't happened to eat any this year.
Pop culture says: Losing your virginity is a definite, easily recognisable act.
There are lots of sexual acts. It's a it confusing which acts exactly should count as affecting one's status as a virgin. Perhaps part of my confusion is due to being queer and therefore having experience of relationships in which penis in virgina sex is not on the cards but even in my relationships with men sex has not been defined by just one act. I'm never quite sure how to answer when asked how many sexual partners I've had for this very reason. Like much in life it depends how one defines it.
So those are my main issues with it all. What do you think? Am I completely marching to the beat of my own drum?
Pop culture says: Virginity is more important in women than in men.
I don't get this. To me if virginity is of any importance, its importance would be equal between the sexes. I can't think of any religions which explicitly state that men are allowed to have sex before marriage but women aren't. Such a position would be rather difficult to keep to without lots of homosexuality or elderly promiscuous women. So logically, men should be just as committed to not having sex outside of a delineated situation as women. The people in my life seem to share this view. I have promiscuous male and female friends just as I have both male and female friends who are/were virgins until marriage. Those people I have known well enough to discuss virginity with have tended to have similar attitudes toward it, or at least weren't divided along gender lines. I certainly don't know anyone who would demand that their partner be a virgin whilst they are not. In fact, I don't know anyone who would demand that their partner be a virgin at all, as most of my friends seem to see virginity as a personal choice. So why when virginity comes up in feminist blogs does everyone instantly go on and on about how only female virginity is valued when I don't see much double standard operating in the people around me.
Pop culture says: You're bad and weird if you don't lose your virginity by a certain age.
Now here I'll agree in a limited sense. In our culture there is a strong pressure to become sexually active in your teens or twenties, which a lot of people conform to if they don't have a good reason not to. Now, there are some people who resist this pressure for religious, feminist etc reasons and these people, whilst unusually, are not odd. Of course, someone not having had sex by the age of thirty could indicate that they wish to be sexually active ut lack the social skills to be able to persuade someone to copulate with them. Whilst there are a lot of people with poor social skills who are perfectly lovely people, it might be a bad sign. Then again there are plenty of twits in the world who manage to get their end away. More generally I just don't get this general attitude that you should be having lots of sex all the time or you're 'sad' or 'lame' or 'gay' or whatever inherently offensive term the kids are using these days. Sex is enjoyable but there are lots of good reasons someone might not be doing it. Eating sushi is fun but I don't feel the need to be concerned about someone who hasn't happened to eat any this year.
Pop culture says: Losing your virginity is a definite, easily recognisable act.
There are lots of sexual acts. It's a it confusing which acts exactly should count as affecting one's status as a virgin. Perhaps part of my confusion is due to being queer and therefore having experience of relationships in which penis in virgina sex is not on the cards but even in my relationships with men sex has not been defined by just one act. I'm never quite sure how to answer when asked how many sexual partners I've had for this very reason. Like much in life it depends how one defines it.
So those are my main issues with it all. What do you think? Am I completely marching to the beat of my own drum?
